Feels like Junior High...

Remember when you were in junior high? Remember what it was like to have a crush on someone? Remember how you would talk to your girlfriends, saying things like, "He's so cute! Did he just look at me?? I wonder if he likes me too? Should I tell him? AHH! I can't stop thinking about him! He's stuck in my head! I think I might really like him. I think I might love him. What do I do? " And then do you remember how you'd have that same conversation with your friends over and over for what seems like forever? And then you FINALLY get the nerve to tell him? And half the time he's receptive, and the other half of the time he "just likes you as a friend"? No? This is just how my love life has worked since the 6th grade? Except that this system has never *really* worked that well.

And yet? I find myself in that situation again. I totally have a crush on one of my friends. And I have since I met him 2 years ago. We talk about stuff. Stuff that matters. OUr friendship isn't based on what most of my friendships are based on right now. Most of my friends- the biggest thing we have in common are that we are in the military and have kids. Don't get me wrong- if it weren't for these friends I think I would probably be in a looney bin by now. But when I hang out with them and their husbands and their kids- I sometimes feel incredibly alone. To the point where I'll sit and have a whole conversation with Ethan, because everyone else is talking about their husbands and such. And I can't even relate.

Back to my crush- he's my go to guy. When I need a date for a wedding- I call him. He's a snappy dresser and always smells good. When I need a dance partner for salsa lessons? I call him. The man can dance. And he doesn't freak out over the fact that I've been dancing for years. We dance and we have fun. When I just need to vent? I call him. When I need a big bear hug? I call him.

Before, when I first met him, I was pregnant and he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was messing around with a coworker that I was friends with. Timing would have been WAY off if I had said anything about this. Then, I was busy trying to figure out how to be a single mom. And he was busy finishing up school. Well, now, he's about a month from graduation. He's been single for awhile. I know he wants to be in a relationship. And I'm terrified that if I don't say something now. It'll be too late and I'll be stuck beating myself up over "what if."

I finally feel like I'm ready to get back into the dating scene. But I'm overcome with fear of rejection courtesy of an ex boyfriend that got me pregnant and robbed me of my self confidence. I'm not sure I can handle it. I have a plan though. He's going to come over to hang out tomorrow. I'm going tell him. I have to. And if he "just likes me as a friend" I'll cry to my blog. And try to move on. And probably cry a little more.

Wish me luck.